From Insecurity to Calling Out the Truth -

Written whilst out walking this morning, in my little notebook. - 29 May 2015.

The world of fashion is one all to familiar to each my husband (Yurai), and I. Within the industry, he used to model and finished up as a fashion photographer.

I am a born designer, practically sewing my mother, on my way out (both being her greatest gifts to me, life and her creativity).

In studying Fashion Design, during my first year, I loved it and saw myself as a famous fashion designer.
By the time second year rolled around, my feelings had changed completely due to a the circumstances of my life, and I wanted to drop out and return to UWO (The University of Western Ontario), to study psychology.

"How on earth do I contribute to the good of humanity by designing clothes," I thought..How lame! 

I hung on by a mere thread, and by my third year, I understood the ability to create clothes from an idea to a finished product, was my talent, and I would have to steer it as I wished.

On an aside, as per the question highlighted above, it was only very recently that I answered it for myself: It's not necessarily WHAT I do or make, it is the act of creation, that is my passion- as you may well know, from food to writing to design etc.-
To use my both my hands simultaneously, much like a musician, a pianist, guitarist, drummer...etc."

In any case, last night, whilst my husband and I were heading over to a fashion show, something didn't feel quite right.

"Why am I going?" I thought to myself...I've always disliked fashion shows, (and even fashion magazines), unless I was on the catwalk - which was entirely like switching off.

I always felt a fish out of water, attending a show. The whole thing always felt so superficial and pretentious.

So again, "why am I going...?"

And not top of that, I'm way out of my comfort zone, being on the second day of my period, all in all which is very sacred to me, and normally, I don't even go out, stay close to home unless in the company of best friends- only those and that will fill my heart, not the other way around.

There I stood, next to my husband and a friend, who of course, in my insecure mind, are in heaven due to all the beautiful women around with their legs starting at the level of my chin.

"Candyfloss." An upcoming post. 

Yes. Yes, I wholly admit that despite it all, the superficiality of it, the gawking...whatever, I felt terribly insecure. (Absolutely true. Part of what I go through for at least a couple of day during menstruation, is very much insecurity, self- doubt etc., which is all easier to deal with in my own company--- I'll be talking more of menstruation, in an upcoming post).

And look, it's not that I think any less or more of myself than anyone else there, my heart was simply saying one thing: GET OUT, and in resisting the message, [(because I felt I should stay with Yurai, especially after what we've gone through lately- almost divorce - which we've renamed as "Candyfloss," (also a near completed post)], I was feeling increasingly worse.

I stared ahead, held Yurai's hand, then looked to him. He was in a different frame of mind, and we weren't in synch.  He put his hand on my arm, and asked me if I was ok, and I said no, and rhymed off a list of excuses.

At first, (in my mind), I'd gravitated towards blaming him for not feeling comfortable, for wanting to leave, (it's always easy to blame others- and really, I hadn't made sense of my feelings at that point, only the screaming heart part). Somewhere deep in me, I knew it was my deal, not his.

Remembering a valuable lesson (which I didn't use last week), I asked if we could speak outside, and he concurred. Out we went and in the sun, he hugged me tight. I told him what I was feeling and that I wouldn't hang around, (not after some indecisiveness, looking for him to make the decision for me - yes, I just admitted that too).

He thanked me, not for allowing him to stay, rather for knowing that in me staying, I was going against my self. I wished a fun night, he said he'd message when he got in, and that was simply that.

Now then, believe you me, my ego (Gholum), was alive and kicking. I was experiencing sadness, and anger for a little while.

"Ok, so I am. So be it," I thought to myself. I was kind of stuck, but didn't want to really shift.

I was talking to my heart, whilst on the tram, saying the usual, "I love you Munjeet Sehra," over and over again. I thought to myself that I want food. Nearly two days without and supposed to be three, (cleansing with my period), but I know it'll help. I feel for it, and resisting it would further cause imbalance in my body.

Milk chocolate came to mind, oh how I would love some.

I opted out from it end the end, and just went home to leftovers. Nothing beats my own food, which I prepared with love- surely that's a good thing! :) So -a handful of red cabbage it was, with toasted cashews and sprouted red beans, with tamari sauce and dijon mustard. wonderful. I'd wanted chocolate to begin with, so made myself a little dessert- few spoons of shredded coconut, with honey, cacao powder and walnuts, which I topped onto these adorable little buns I made a couple days back.

No ipad/phone here-my lil scribble pad. 

Ok, heart is happy, and not a pang of guilt for deciding to end my cleanse early.

In fact, as I scribble this all out, like a mad woman, along the beautiful poppy path, I have zero desire for food. Interesting, and very different and new for me. Still so grateful to having done 26days without food for so much healing. A follow up post on that is to come shortly. 

One can never have enough pictures
of "The Poppy Path" :) 

I had my little feast, and went into the ashram of my mind.

Feeling like shit, Munjeet? Feeling insecure? Still sad? Angry?  

The anwer:

Darling girl, it is those times of adversity, when something is feeling off, that you stay close to YOU, not abandon your heart, that's crying for your attention.    



The recap for myself:

I left the show- a great first step. 
The reminder, or lesson- whatever you do, do it with love, for you and no one else. YOU come first. Thank you to my dear husband, as always for assisting in my blossoming.  

Blessings and loving self-talk done, I picked up my phone to message Yurai - that me leaving had nil to do with him. But of course, as I was writing, a message came through from him, at only 9pm.

"Hi, I am at home. Are you ok?"

Turns out he left early, not his cup of tea.

We chatted, and I relayed how I was feeling great, though I felt like crap at first, but after some food and blessings, I was fine. In fact, more than fine- inspired to get back to designing before night's end.

When we got off the phone, I pulled out a skirt I started creating a couple of weeks back and set it up, to complete. (It was too late to start sewing as I didn't want to wake up the neighbor- an old fella who's bedroom is adjacent to my combined kitchen/design studio).

Instead, I headed back into the living room, played some of my favourite tunes, and danced and danced and danced. :))

---

Let's just be the love that we seek from others, that way we remain in the state of love, and rather than being a character in the story of our life, we become an observer. Sound good? :)

May you too, be blessed. Always. <3

PS: Guess who I bumped into this morning?  "Brilliance," the very moment after I wished to see the little darling kitty. :)  Hadn't seen him/her for days now, a lovely surprise on this sunny warm morning.

Up & Coming Director- Paul/Pali Chodur, his short films, and my first acting gig ;)

Despite the fact that I've never acted before, when up and coming director, and dear dear friend, Pavol/Paul Chodur, asked me to be in a short film, about intuition, I had zero inhibitions. Whilst it was only a minor cameo I played towards the end, it was a pleasure & honour to be part of, nonetheless.

Paul/Pavol Chodur

The film is called, "About My Intuition," and it wasn't Paul's first film. Thus far, he's tended to write scripts when, which translated into a motion picture, leave something in your heart and mind. 

I see a bright spark in Paul, which sets him apart from others. Incredibly humble, wears his heart on his sleeve,  who may not even be privy to his own greatness- though more than great, he is. 

Upon watching his first film, "When Hope was Walking with Death," I was so taken aback. I knew he was "studying," film here Bratislava, but I thought to myself, "why, what for?" 

For me, he's a natural talent, (sure- like Tarantino - who, when once asked what film school he went to, his response was "I went to films."), though very much with his own signature. 

Paul wrote and directed both films, with his 'partner in crime,' Richard Kay Kardhordo, also a very dear friend, who heads up Cine-Jessy Casting Studio, amongst photography, and other things. Normally, Paul is his right hand man when out on set, though for both these films, both were producing. 

And look, I have to be honest with you. When my own Fairytale, "Piyar & Soleil," was translated into Slovak, by musician, & genius lyricist, dear Peter Kollar, I didn't have to think twice as to who would write the script for a Slovak version of the film. (And to both gentlemen, I'm forever grateful for their graciousness, in working for free, and believing in my art as much as their own, knowing that one day, we will reap what we've sown). 

Please check out the links given, to watch Paul's (short films), both of which have english subtitles, and do pass along your own encouraging words to a budding young director. 

Paul- may you touch more hearts with every film you do, as certainly you touched mine. 

Continued blessings and please, more films :) 

From Happy-Go-Lucky to Near Rage - yes Me.

A few years back, still in the days when I was running 'Misfit of Bratislava Bootcamp,' a friend said something to me that at the time was new for me and quite significant.

I was going through a low period, though would still show up for my sessions, acting my normal chipper self, though utterly depressed, and no one was the wiser.

If I remember correctly, it was during a phone conversation we'd had where I was cancelling another coffee meeting because I just didn't feel up to going and she said something along the lines of:

Manj, I'm so sorry you're going through this tough time, and I'm here for you, though it is comforting to know that even You have bad days....

May she be forever blessed for saying so, because yes, that was and maybe still is what I portray of myself. Perfect. Happy go lucky. Always in meditation. Talking to angels. Fearless. Courageous. etc etc etc.

I am spirit, housed in this magnificent human body, and being such, have been blessed with the ability to feel all kinds of things that my body allows through my senses.
My self is perfect, and that even includes last nights near rage, which I can only be grateful to have experienced.

Yes- I was on the verge of rage (if that means I'd wanted to throw things, and scream out load, and smash stuff).

Instead, I cried hard, and loud. Then did EFT/Tapping. Then I calmed down, tears only just rolling down my cheeks, and not pouring out like the Niagara Falls itself. I sat for a long time in silence after that, blessing.
Blessing all the people in the world who were experiencing pain. Blessing all the people looking for answers, to look inside. Blessing anything I could think of, and that we are all exactly where we are meant to be, right here and right now.

I don't know what time I decided to sleep, but off I went, to bed. The tears started again and every time they did, or the thoughts came up, I blessed. Every time I awoke at night, I was already blessing. If I had any dreams I don't remember them, and when I woke up, the sun was out.
I smiled, blessed to have another day, which has nothing to do with yesterday or tomorrow. I went to the kitchen, saw where the sun was and knew it was still early, before 7am.

I was excited to get outside. Water meditation , and out I went.

St. Francis D'Assissi joined me soon after I connected to her - Mother Earth, even before I'd made it to the Vineyards and Poppy Path.

The prayer of St. Francis, was my solace for many many years, from the age of about 17 or 18. I used to say it often and its even strewn across the many pages of many journals over the years. I saw it last week in a pocket book I owned, (which I so happened to pop into my purse the previous day for our commercial shooting in Vienna, for Austrian Airlines). I'd left my usual writing book at home, and realised the reason for the pocketbook. The first page had the prayer, and when I opened it, I smiled. I didn't even read it, because I feel it.

This may not be the exact version, but it's what my mind has recounted over many years:

Lord, Make me a channel of Thy peace

That where there is hatred, I may bring love

That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness

That where there is where there is discord, may I bring harmony

That where there is error, I may bring truth

That where there is doubt, I may bring faith

That where there is despair, I may bring hope. 

Lord, Grant that I may seek to comfort than to be comforted

To understand than to be understood

To love than to be loved.

For it is in giving that one receives

It is in self forgetting that one finds 

It is in forgiving that one is forgiven

And it is in dying that one awakens to eternal life. 

There I was, walking along, blessing, and St Francis' blessings came and hugged my own. I found myself doing the prayer aloud, the first time, then I started to change it, so instead of saying
"That where there is hatred, I may bring love," I started to say-
"That where there is hatred, 'may I be' love," and the energy of what I was saying shifted enormously.

...Instead of sending love, or the spirit of forgiveness, or harmony..etc etc...to people, let me BE it. May I be the love for all those who are lonely, who are in need.

But hang on, I already am That.

I am That, I am. 
--------------

I passed many people, those tending to the quickly growing grapevines, to others heading to their place of work or school, and then I passed a guy walking his dog. As with the others, we greeted one another and carried on.

Just after passing him, I don't know why I did, though I looked up into the sky and saw it all expand, like I've mentioned before, and a few moments later, still within earshot, the guys phone rang. The ring tone: "Don't Worry, Be Happy."   Don't worry Bobby, I'm happy. Bless Mr. McFerrin, for a song that never needed any translation, as it speaks the language of the heart, and to hearts, the world over.

I felt really good, with the sun just ahead of me, about to reveal itself from the clouds, and nearing my favourite part of the walk: The Poppy Path.
I contemplated my life, that if my life was the most beautiful haute couture dress that I was making, that the structure is complete, and now starts the beading and adorning which makes it shine as a masterpiece. My dress will never be finished, though I wear it every day.

----
All this beautiful pondering along the poppy path and my mind turned to walking the path alone, and in the moments that it did, I saw it.

A lone poppy, beautiful red, like my classic poppy red adidas jacket, with it's infamous white stripes. (No phone to take a pic this morning).

And you know what else was on the lone poppy? A white strip, all along the edges of the petals. I looked for others like it, but it was solo.

Another new day, full of whatever the universe - my mind - can conjure up.

May you each be blessed with peace and love, always. <3

My Very First Published Book- Piyar & Soleil [meaning Love & Light in Punjabi & French respectively] :In Vintascia's Realm

My first published book - on Amazon :) 

“If every 8 year old in the world is taught meditation, we will eliminate violence from the world within one generation.” Dalai Lama

I came across this quote a couple years back and every now and again, someone reposts it, which always makes me smile. Only speaking for myself, I know that my character has changed a lot over the years from going within, doing meditation.

Whilst out on my usual walk a couple of mornings ago, with this quote in mind, I nearly stumbled over my own feet.

"Piyar & Soleil," my very first published book - a fairy tale - has a beautiful meditation in it, called "Tubes of Light," which I paraphrased from the teachings of Marie Diamond, (one of the stars from the film, "The Secret"), whom the meditation was created by.

What most people don't know is that the tale was a therapeutic response to events in my life, though what started out as my regular journaling, very much took on a life of it's own.

I was waking up in the middle of the night to write, after which, I'd fall asleep again, only to wake up in the morning and be blown away with the writing. The story, be it true, came through me.

I had no idea or intention to publish the tale, and it was only towards the end that I even named the characters. Once I did decide to publish it, and after getting permission from Marie, to keep the "Tubes of Light," I was having images of parents and children acting out the meditation. It weaved it's way into the tale, because I was doing the meditation on a regular basis, morning and night, and it was so helpful- thank You Marie.

[That gracious 'go ahead,' came on 9/11/2013, and it took me almost a year and a half to publish. To be honest with you, it was so far on the back burner for me, (as I'd given up on an illustrator, and doing the voice recording again- both things I wanted to publish the book with), that when Yurai​, found out I was sitting on a book that I held so dearly to my heart, and NOT putting it in the world, he practically picked me up and set me in front of the computer to do it. Infinite thanks, Sweetheart]. 

All this, and never did I think to promote the book, as such, (as something that very much lined up with the quote by Dalai Lama). In fact, I had such a fear of doing so, until recently. I must give thanks to both Tatiana​, & Darina​, who though their own courage, have reminded me of mine. Thank You both- more than you know.

So, surely, this is absolutely a promotional message about my book, "Piyar & Soleil: In Vintascia's Realm, which is right here, on Amazon. 

------
The tale transcends any language because it will sing to you with it's almost 200 rhyming verses. My words, spoken aloud with your voice, will sing, verse after verse to you(r child).
It's a story of intuition, synchronicity, duality, betrayal, deceit, and everything in between, but mostly, in traditional with fairy tales- it is about love. It starts with "Once upon a time," and has a happy ending, though in reality, there are two happy endings.  

Please do buy the book, and also, I would love for you to comment on the Amazon page afterwards, so the book gets more notice, so more people buy it so more children do meditation, along with their parents, without even knowing it's this thing called "meditation."  This thing, that when we get still enough, the answers we seek start to come from within.

I'm laughing and crying at the beauty and simplicity of life.

I thank you from the depths of my heart for reading, for purchasing the book, for looking into your own self a little deeper.

Much love, & may you be blessed <3