Autobiography 3rd Installment

My sincerest thanks for reading, everyone! :*
--------

Back to racism, and being a loner, it's not like that incident with the girl not wanting to play with me was common. We didn't live in Hicksville where racism was rampant, but every now and again it reared its ugly head. Beyond that, I just didn't make friends, and it's not like I longed for them. Maybe I'd scared them off with my British accent or something else altogether.

In fact, there was indeed something else...Something I've touched upon with my beloved, whom was the first in my entire life I could tell, not even my girlfriends.

Perhaps my "shrink," of three years, would have had understood me better, had I shared this with her, or any of the professionals I seeked help from. 

I've told you already that from an early age, junk food was a comfort for me, but there was something even before that. Jerking off. I can't actually say it in any other, "proper," and nor will I go so far into this topic other than to say that it was a safety mechanism for me, one which probably cost me my childhood friends, or lack thereof. 

My chances of making friends were probably stunted in grade 1, where completely in my own world, I was "at it," while Mrs Brockman, was reading to us. We were all sitting down on the ground around her, and I'm sure she noticed what the kid in front of her was doing, although I obviously thought I was inconspicuous, hand under my dress, quiet as a mouse. 

Jeeze, to have a conversation with her now, to know what went on in the mind of a person having to witness the new kid, jerking off. I wonder what she told her husband, other teachers....Also the kids around me, perhaps they went home and told their parents, who then told them that they had to stay away from me. That would make a world of sense  as to why I was friendless.
I was happy when someone approached me, but again, it wasn't necessary. In grade two, I remember someone talking to me because she liked my style, which was pretty pronounced for a kid. The designer in me started way back. I don't know how I would have convinced them, but in grade four, I persuaded my parents into buying me a pair of knee high boots with high heels, something that the cool teachers would wear, but not quite a nine year old!! I wore them like nobody's business, not thinking twice that I might be and oddball.

Despite the fact that I was a loner and ok with it, what I wanted most was to change my hair, to cut it short. You see, it's against the Sikh religion to do so, as it's god given and natural, but what does that mean to a kid living amongst mostly blond haired kids with bangs? 

Initially I didn't cut my hair, but I would knot together a bunch in front of my face, the knot being at eye level, and then tear it apart, just over the knot, which would then hit the ground for mere seconds before I scooped it up and buried it in the depths of the rubbish bin. Just like when I'd jerk off, I would feel a tremoundous amount of guilt and believe that karma would get me for sinning and then I would bump into "uncle ji," (every man was referred to as uncle ji, and every woman, respectively, auntie ji), who took it upon himself to scold me for cutting my hair (which technically, I had not).  

"Uncle ji," who would fit himself with a turban just for the Gurdwara, (Sikh place of worship), otherwise being turban free, in his regular, everyday life,donning a head of finely cut hair. A heavy contradition for a young kid, to say the least. Hence there was no more ovbious way to defy the religion and people who "practiced" it, than a visual "fuck you," a fine layer of short hair which swept across my forhead, noticed by all. 

 

It was presicely occurancess like that one which fuelled me to rebel and it became my mission to do exactly that which I ought not have, which would be going as far against the grain as possible. 

Drinking and drugs were of no interest to me, probably beacuse I didnt have the friends to support such activities, although with my addictive nature, I'm fairly certain, had I fallen into such a crowd, I'd easily have ended up a junkie. 

 

Losing my virginity, was something I did purely out of spite, throwing my middle finger up at "the rules," despite the fact that know one knew of this rendez-vous for some time. 

"Srew arranged marriages, screw sex after marriage, screw it all. I'm getting what I want." See what i mean by addictve nature? I had my target, connived, manipulated, lied and made things happen, without taking into account the gentlemen's feelings.  

 

The pattern I mentioned earlier, of doing things in spite, is a pattern that's haunted me til very recent times.

Of late, like all other times, there was a trigger, followed by the opportunity to jump out of the way, or get blown to bits. I chose the latter, and a couple of days after my ugly behaviour, whilst trying to understand it, is when the epiphany struck-there is a pattern-OH MY GOD!!! First my mind took me to the when I lost my viriginity, and then I searched for others. That I know this exists means I can now deal with it, which I am intently.

 The gentlemen involved in me "becoming a woman," and I reunited a few years ago, which I'm grateful for, but in talking about that time, I realized how different our experiences were. I was purely self serving, and he was my go to guy, a guy who was real and had feelings and a heart...Thank YOU for your forgiveness and friendship.

 

He was actually the only person I had sexual relations with until my ex-husband came along, contrary to what the community believed. Apparently I was promiscuous, but truth be told, (and something I learned only recently from a friend who is a psychologist), I exuded sexuality, in the way that I walked, talked, carried myself. Moments after telling me about my "nature," my friend pointed out that I was doing it again, something about the way I was standing as we awaited a bus.  

When a pshycologist delicately told me I was a femme fatale, a couple of years ago, I cried my eyes out. 

"But I'm not!!!!! I'm not my exterior, there's a whole person inside of this shell!!"

Installment 4 is on it's way :)