Shower Yourself with Love II....Ladies ;)

Days ago, I recieved some news which, suffice it to say, would choke anybody's spirit, not only mine. Alas, all I could do was breath in and out, accepting it wholly.

Acceptance didn't come so easily, and initally keeping the information in my head, brought on a killer headache.

My sister suggested I speak to my head to help it with the pain. As soon as she'd said it, I thought, "of course!!!! I shower myself with love every morning, and connect with my whole body, why not talk to my head, which suffers right now?" I did exaclty that, before my evening meditation, and fell into a deep sleep.

In the morning, I awoke without the headache, but still, I felt uneasy. The psychological pain persisted past my morning meditation, and I could feel that I hadn't released what I heard from my head, so the physcial pain was imminent and I didn't want another headache.

How did I reconciliate the issue...?

To be honest, after meditation, I sat on the couch, and let my eyes close and started to drift away, whereby normally, I'd feel fresh and alive.
It wasn't so much tiredness, as my body reacting to the news. Facing the day seemed arduous, but I had meetings later, (which I considered cancelling, but knew they'd do me some good). Still feeling "muddy," off I went for my shower.

As per usual, I took a spoon of coconut oil to swish on, and stepped in.

It was then that I thought to myself
what else can I do to give myself love, (as it seemed to be my need at the time)?  What followed was purely by intuition:

Almost finished, I kneeled down and held the water at my root chakra, and I carried it up through my midline.  Ever so slowly, showering myself with love, I imagined this column of water connecting my chakras, and I imagined them all spinning.
I was smiling, and feeling better and better.

Once all the vortexes (chakras) were all spinning, and releasing light,  I held the water at my root chakra, until I was in ecstasy, which is exactly what it was and exactly what it is when you orgasm. It's like being in a completely different dimension.

No word of a lie, I stepped out of the shower, anew, laughing out loud, not because what I'd experienced was funny, but I just couldn't believe how easy it was....I got my SELF back.

I couldn't really put into words what I'd experienced (surprisingly), until I'd watched a video last night. It's by Massive Attack, one of my favorite bands, and whilst I've heard "Paradise Circus,"  a number of times, I'd never seen the actual video to it. It was Hope Sandoval (featured ex-porn star, & musican, in the video), who put into words my precise thoughts on the almighty "orgasm," at 3:19. (Viewer discretion is advised..)

"An orgasm, is that point in time that can't be measured
A mystical instant
It doesn't really exist in this dimension"

Now, I can see why and how people turn to sex addicts, it's a "free" drug afterall (relatively speaking), but too much of anything can still be harmful.

.. gentlemen, I say in the title "...Ladies," not at all because I'm sexist, rather, I don't have the same tools that you do.  Should you achieve what I did, please do share. :)

Much love to you all.
xx

Mental Disorders or what...?!

 Time to showcase another video which was featured at TEDx Bratislava last week.

I've decided to add a personal story to this one, because it hit so close to home, and was all too familiar.
I loved Jon Ronson's TED talk,  not just due to his fabulous accent, wit, and charm, but because his message about going a little "label crazy," is a strong one.
I mean, something's not quite right when children are being labelled with bi-polar and ADD, ADHD, ADfrigginXYZ, and who know's what else.  LET THEM BE KIDS!


My personal story:
If you had the chance to read my first autobiography installment when it was online, you'll remember that my mother was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder some years ago.

Being a genetic disorder, I panicked for much of my life that my bouts of depression would eventually worsen, and I'd too, end up with bipolar (which, thankfully, is under control for my mom, and she's finally the  beautiful and loving mother I missed out on as a kid). 

Only two years ago, I was presented with a carefully selected DSM list by my ex-fiance, asking me if I fell under any of the traits on the list, & do I believe I have bipolar, or have I ever been diagnosed etc etc etc.
Livid, that this was coming from him, especially considering our situation, (we were parting ways due to external circumstances, and  I though I had all the reason in the world to be depressed-he'd only ever seen me as "happy-go-lucky, so an external issue (his ex-girlfriend causing phychological and physical trauma to their infant son), became an internal issue, and something was wrong with me.

My answer was unequivocally, "yes," I do believe I have some of those traits-but "who doesn't?"

Back to Jon,  the revised DSM list is at a whopping 374 disorders, which likely means, that yoú're afflicted with something or other too. OR...? 

Allow me to go a little further back in history. In all honesty, (and I'm really going out on a limb of honesty here), my ex-fiance, wasn't the first to think something was wrong with me. 

(In a nutshell), my marriage was failing long before my ex-husband and I parted ways, but in retrospect, (and no ill towards him, as he was dealing with his own struggles, which were linked to my depression, which was linked to me not fulfilling my life's purspose), in order for us to exist cohesively as a pair, I had to have a label.Yes, "the label."

There was a point in time where we went to see my mothers doctor.  Desperately seeking a diagnosis, we each told him a few things (perhaps an appointment of 15minutes at the maximum), and he did indeed diagnose me with bipolar disorder (or something or other), for which he personally prescribed mood stabilizers and anti-depressants.  We'd always been against the drugs, but finally, I had a diagnosis--hallelujah, and I popped the pills. 

This would have been "happily ever after," (or rather, my demise), EXCEPT, that I never believed I wasn't ok.  Depressed, and sick of my life, yes,  but inherently, I knew I was fine. It was my own GP, who upon a physical check-up, asked me what was going on with me, really. I told her everything, and she said, "kid, it's not you, YOU ARE FINE, let go."  

That conversation turned into one of the greatest dilemma's of my life-do I stay and be "sick," to salvage my marriage, or do I go on, solo, free of "mental illness...?" As you already know, I let go, and only much later, would we see that I freed us, and thankfully, we each got our lives back.

These days, I'm the first to admit that I have a little crazy in me. In fact I came home today and was running a million miles a minute with Janka, my dear sister, about my day and how incredible it was.

I proclaimed that I'm in a "state of mania," and who the hell cares?! I'm  incredibly excited, feel like I'm on fire and I must write!!!"  (Maybe I''ll crash and be crying my eyes out in the next few hours or days, but I accept that wholly, that's just ME).

We laughed and hugged, and with a big smile, Janka told me to "go write, you maniac."   

These days, that's practically a compliment, in fact it is a compliment, but it wasn't always so. It's taken me a long time to get to today, free of labels, &  illusions that society creates and reinforces in us.

If I were to be "examined," perhaps I'd be labelled with adult onset ADD, or bipolar, or mania, or perhaps that I'm psychotic. I mean, I do tend to have "grandiose ideas," and "an ïnflated sense of self-worth," sometimes "I talk very fast, jumping from one idea to another," and yes, I even have "racing thoughts," as I get so excited...OR maybe that's just "having dreams, and imagination, and being creative, and full of passion, and free spirited, and being high on life...." Ultimately, I choose my life.

Pardon my language, but seriously, F.U.C.K the labels, I'm so over them. 

I love myself exactly as I am, and accept everything about me, the ups and downs, my vulnerability, my strength-it's all me.   

Phew...that was a mouthful, and the 10pm coffee's not worn off yet. I feel I may need to dance before I close this day with meditation, and gratitude, for all things good and bad.

Crazy, hey...? Friggin bonkers, I tell ya.